So last night was the long-scheduled pissing contest between my old office and our rival government entity. It took the form of a softball game my office won by 28 to 7 or so. I had a bad wrist, so I played very little, but watched my friend's kids instead. The youngest, about 1.5 years old, finally stopped looking at me as some random guy and started thinking about me as a quasi family member. He ran around butchering my first name.
After the game we went to a bar. The woman who put her head in my lap and asked me to ask her out a few weeks ago was there, acting all weird, but she left early so I never got to address that whole thing. Then most people left. I was leaning against the wall holding court with some law student victim witness lady, and we were MST3k'ing this "date" going on in front of us. Two 20somethings were playing pool, doing the whole nervous joke, fake laugh, pose, posture, avoid touching first or second date thing. The guy crushed the girl 3 times in a row, so finally, I leaned on the table and said "Hey, if you're hoping to get laid tonight, DON'T crush her 4 times in a row." I said this in front of her, and they laughed nervously. Then he started tanking on purpose, obviously, so I yelled "Let the wookie win!" Then, he made a good shot and flipped his collar up, so I said "I have better chance with this girl than he does." Two other guys started horning in on the girl after that. Anyway, we were basically doing running commentary on this poor guy's date. It was fun. I figured that was going to be the comedy highlight of the weekend.
This morning I got up and went to study for my class (turns out I miscalculated how much the homework was worth...). I was at a Panera. After about a half hour of studying, this Indian guy and a middle aged white lady came in. I assumed they were married. [INTERLUDE: given what I do, I have to be able to multi-task. As a result, I can listen, read, write, and think all at once -- I lose some fidelity, but I can catch most of a bunch of things all at once.] They were talking about waiting for someone. Eventually a vietnamese guy came in. First they talked about the vietnamese guy getting the Indian guy a job with the company he works for. Then the shit hit the fan. Turns out Indian and white lady's daughter just got engaged to Vietnamese guy's son. From word one, it became clear that this was ok with vietnamese guy, not ok with the others. THEY LIT HIS SHIT UP!!! Turns out:
1. Their daughter is studying for her medical boards, and they think dude is a distraction, and should have waited.
2. Dude asked for permission, from lady's dad but was told to wait-- and didn't.
3. Dude had to drop some classes (found out later this was for medical reasons, but I'll get there)
4. Dude "talks to lady on the phone too much" and "goes there too much"
5. Dude and lady are "impulsive" and "immature"
6. Dude's dad knew that they were getting engaged, and lady's parents didn't (with the way they reacted, no shit...)
7. lady's parents don't want her getting married (subtext: to this guy)
8. After her boards she's going to work somewhere and "may meet other men..."
9. Turns out dude's dad bought the ring. According to lady's mom, in America, if you can't afford a ring, you don't get engaged... According to dude's dad, Vietnamese custom requires he buy the ring. According to lady's dad, in India the whole family has to throw a party
10. Lady's parents thought dude was very disrespectful by getting engaged to their daughter without their permission (...???)
11. Lady's parents didn't want her distracted from her career.
Now, this was clearly an ambush. Dude's dad was stunned. Remember, this is a fucking RESTAURANT, and I'm sitting FOUR FEET AWAY!!
Then dude rolled in. IMMEDIATELY, his future in laws tore his shit up. That whole spiel came back. He tried to defend himself (I almost leaned over -- he was TWO feet away -- to tell him that he needed to realize they hated him and always would, and to apologize, cede the point, and escape with his life). They hit his religion, his ethnicity, his HEALTH -- he said he dropped some classes because of medical concerns, and lady's dad LAUGHED and lady's mom said "and you have a treatable, but incurable disease, how are you going to get married with THAT!??!" -- the ring came back -- he tried to explain the culture; "what about my culture? In my culture, you can't get married if you can't afford a ring" [bullshit, drive [past a trailer park, lady]. You get the point.
Eventually, the manager came and threw them out -- that was amusing. It doesn't end there. I'm still studying. After a while, I sit up and sigh in my "Gollum" (as in, Lord of the Rings) way, and someone asked "is it that stressful?" So I told them the story. Eeeeeeeeveryone thought it was pretty funny. Meanwhile, for another 30 minutes, dude's ENTIRE family -- his siblings and mom got here -- get FUCKED UP by lady's mom and dad. Then dude's family comes in to eat. After they eat, they go outside to talk and close ranks again. When that broke up, I went out and talked to him. I shook his hand and told him "That was the rest of your life, bub, they're never gonna like you. Just learn to agree that you suck and do what you're gonna do anyway." I explained that I was an attorney and used to do family law, and that sometimes it's not the couple but the parents. He apologized that I heard all that. I told him not to worry about it... that it was amusing. Then he shook my hand again and left.
Remember, they stared by asking dude's dad to find lady's dad a job...
This morning was more amusing than last night. It's been a high comedy weekend...
