Life altering weekend
Well, this was an interesting weekend... [EDITED: see above and below] I did something very un-galactichero-like: I called someone I haven't heard from in a long time and apologised for something horrible.
Backstory: Several years ago just after college there was this girl I was actually stupid over. This is rare in and of itself, because I'm usually a machine and nothing makes me stupid, but I was actually stupid over her. We never really got off the ground, much to what I expect was the frustration of both of us. Finally, she said something innocuous that I took really badly. I remember stewing over it, but then I must have said something horrible, and we haven't spoken in 5 years. To give you an idea of how horrible it must have been, I remember almost every conversation I've had since I was 8 years old, at least generally, and this is a woman I made a habit of driving all over the Country to see. I can't even remember the conversation. I don't even know why we didn't talk for 5 years. I am actually ashamed of something I can't even remember, and I am almost never ashamed, and nearly never have difficulty remembering something.
Aaaaaanyway, partly because I wanted to, partly because the movie Hi Fidelity made me think about it, and partly because of a conversation I had with someone last week, I was looking up some people from my past (as an interesting aside, every single one of them ended up doing EXACTLY what they set out to do, from teaching, to marine biology, to forensics). The last one I got to was this particular girl (last probably not because it finished my list, but because it took almost three hours and appears to have altered my life), and I couldn't find out to my satisfaction what happened to her... BUT, I found a phone number. After some contemplation, and blocking my cell number, I called. I can't pin down why it was important, but it was really, really, really important to me by that point. Bam. 5 years just went away. I don't know if I'm stupid over her anymore, but I can tell you we talked for more than TWO HOURS. She's doing exactly what she planned after a few setbacks (some of which I was there for). She's moved across the country and is doing well. She's searching for Mr. Right (after experimenting with being a lesbian, apparently), and I think I'm pretty comfortable with the idea that that's not me. She has contracted an incurable but not imminently life-threatening disease, which concerns me a bit, but is doing ok with it. We talked about everything. Work, family, plans, friends, where we're living, why, politics, school, eeeeeverything.
Maybe I was calling to make myself feel better by finding out that she's a mess -- she isn't and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe I was calling to rekindle, or actually kindle for the first time, something -- but I didn't, and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe it was simple curiosity. I am most bothered by the fact that I can't remember why we didn't talk for five years. I got the distinct feeling that she DOES remember, but that she didn't want to insult or embarrass me by reminding me. I think that whatever I said was soooo bad that I don't WANT to remember, and that for five years I've been ashamed, and talking to her and finding out that she doesn't want me dead fixed the problem, at least a bit.
It's been pretty liberating. I've been motivated to do a lot of completely unrelated things that I had trouble motivating myself to do before. I've been in a frighteningly good mood, and far less antisocial than usual. The really crazy thing will be if that effect lasts into next week.
So, now the point. Every major self-help program has a step where you do this thing: call people you've hurt and apologise, whether they accept or not, or you want to or not. Who would have thought that such hokey bullshit works?
This post is really embarassing to me. Anonymity is a good thing.
Backstory: Several years ago just after college there was this girl I was actually stupid over. This is rare in and of itself, because I'm usually a machine and nothing makes me stupid, but I was actually stupid over her. We never really got off the ground, much to what I expect was the frustration of both of us. Finally, she said something innocuous that I took really badly. I remember stewing over it, but then I must have said something horrible, and we haven't spoken in 5 years. To give you an idea of how horrible it must have been, I remember almost every conversation I've had since I was 8 years old, at least generally, and this is a woman I made a habit of driving all over the Country to see. I can't even remember the conversation. I don't even know why we didn't talk for 5 years. I am actually ashamed of something I can't even remember, and I am almost never ashamed, and nearly never have difficulty remembering something.
Aaaaaanyway, partly because I wanted to, partly because the movie Hi Fidelity made me think about it, and partly because of a conversation I had with someone last week, I was looking up some people from my past (as an interesting aside, every single one of them ended up doing EXACTLY what they set out to do, from teaching, to marine biology, to forensics). The last one I got to was this particular girl (last probably not because it finished my list, but because it took almost three hours and appears to have altered my life), and I couldn't find out to my satisfaction what happened to her... BUT, I found a phone number. After some contemplation, and blocking my cell number, I called. I can't pin down why it was important, but it was really, really, really important to me by that point. Bam. 5 years just went away. I don't know if I'm stupid over her anymore, but I can tell you we talked for more than TWO HOURS. She's doing exactly what she planned after a few setbacks (some of which I was there for). She's moved across the country and is doing well. She's searching for Mr. Right (after experimenting with being a lesbian, apparently), and I think I'm pretty comfortable with the idea that that's not me. She has contracted an incurable but not imminently life-threatening disease, which concerns me a bit, but is doing ok with it. We talked about everything. Work, family, plans, friends, where we're living, why, politics, school, eeeeeverything.
Maybe I was calling to make myself feel better by finding out that she's a mess -- she isn't and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe I was calling to rekindle, or actually kindle for the first time, something -- but I didn't, and I'm pretty happy about that. Maybe it was simple curiosity. I am most bothered by the fact that I can't remember why we didn't talk for five years. I got the distinct feeling that she DOES remember, but that she didn't want to insult or embarrass me by reminding me. I think that whatever I said was soooo bad that I don't WANT to remember, and that for five years I've been ashamed, and talking to her and finding out that she doesn't want me dead fixed the problem, at least a bit.
It's been pretty liberating. I've been motivated to do a lot of completely unrelated things that I had trouble motivating myself to do before. I've been in a frighteningly good mood, and far less antisocial than usual. The really crazy thing will be if that effect lasts into next week.
So, now the point. Every major self-help program has a step where you do this thing: call people you've hurt and apologise, whether they accept or not, or you want to or not. Who would have thought that such hokey bullshit works?
This post is really embarassing to me. Anonymity is a good thing.
posted by Galactichero at
8:55 AM
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